Saturday, March 17, 2007

Why didn't I do this sooner

(note: Previously published)

My rapidly developed stock answer, a nice and pat and short one, is "I didn't know I could".

 I lacked the information that I needed, to quell my personal control issues, so that I could move into it. Its not as simple, however, as that.

 While it a huge part of the concept for me, its not entirely accurate.

 Recently, someone noted the whole concept of Privileged upbringing, and how, in a lot of ways, the expectations hurled on those who live lives in such a manner are sometimes bound by them. And there was, for me, a ring of truth there.

I dislike considering it, but, ultimately, I was somewhat privileged in my youth.  My family is a wonderfully complex creation of exceptional variance. For most of my life it was an effective matriarchy (yeah, I can hear the pundits crowing about masculine role models and crap and completely missing the truth). What I enjoyed most, though, wasn't the presence of privilege, it was the escape from it. 

I was always happiest by myself, without the pressure of peers or others around me to push expectations on me. I rebelled strongly against expectations in my early 20's. It cost me a great many of my potential supporters, and I became estranged as a result.

By that time, as well, I was so deep in denial on the active level of thought that I wasn't able to see that the expectations I was rebelling against were rooted in this. 

Had I had the information I have now, well...  I would have transitioned then. 

 But the means of getting to it, a great deal of this information, and the methods of transitioning, were not as available then.

When I read about Lynn Conway and her journey through the late 60's and 1970's, I am filled with awe and wonder -- in part, because I know very well the way the world was to women in those days and just how hard things were just in the academic sense -- and to add into that the secrecy of stealth... TO me, its amazing. 

I truly cannot adequately express how amazed I am by her.  One day I would like to meet her, but I don't expect to. Life likes to rob me of such events (for example, when I was finally able to go and meet RAH, he up and died on me the week before. Sheesh.).

How did she learn about this? How did she know to find these people? What miseries did she have to endure?

Its all stunning -- the times, the days, the way of life... Devastating.

My story won't ever be as dramatic. My transition won't be as hard. My contributions to society likely won't be as durable, either, lol. (hard to beat being instrumental in changing the very nature of the whole world, ya know?).

 Four years ago, my ties to my privilege unraveled. Soon, I had but two, and two years ago they began to fray. They are gone now. And I'm fully free. And I'm running headlong into the future...

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