Saturday, March 24, 2007

Transition Stories & More...

Not sure how this one will come out.  Could be short (feels like it), but that usually means it'll be long.

Yesterday, after rising at the peculiar hour of 6:30am (the last week or so has played havoc with my usual sleeping patterns which are still struggling to reassert themselves), and actually managing to find myself connected around 8 ish, I worked pretty much non stop until about 6:30pm.


When I say non stop, I mean that if you total up all the moments that I got up from this chair (potty, food, tea, stretch) and all the moments I did something not work related, you get a sum total of just under an hour.

I mean, I sat down and I worked like I really work.

Most of it was spent on my company website, although a bit of it was to spy on the community that I stepped out of without warning about 6 months ago as I cam to deal with this strangeness about me that has taken over my life.

6 months ago, I was working hard on getting things set up for what was supposed to be, in the end, a New Year's release of the site.  After the collapse of the last team of people working with me, I sorta lost the heart.  Four years of constant, unending, nerve wracking effort, gone. And While I should accept some of the blame, I don't -- I put it all on the heads of two people who got all pissy and we up and had a massive catfight that took 6 months to wreak its whole fallout.

And then I got hit with the collapse of my denial.

So, for six months, the site has been, in the most mild of terms, dead.  I have, at best, popped into the community itself about, oh, 6 times. Each time very quietly, and without trying to attract notice.

And it appears that I somehow had managed (though God only knows) to have developed a whole crew of people who actually give a damn about me.  I came across several threads asking, and, of course, no one had a clue.  There was fretting. 

I'm rather startled, and exceptionally pleased.

But wait -- it gets better, lol.

As I worked on the new site today, someone noticed I was doing so.  And then someone else popped in.  and then someone else.  There was a post saying "yay, you are back".

Its a little thing.  Really.  The whole time I have been sorta absent, I've still kept in touch with my closest friends in a private group, but, well, they are close friends, lol.

But that little thing -- that simple act of celebrating that I've returned when I haven't the foggiest clue of who they are, lol -- meant tons.

So I have this little wave crest inside me, and once again I'm in the zone, happy and thinking and excited and ready to make it count like nothing else.

Yeah.  I'm back :D

Oh lordy, they are *so* gonna be surprised.


Now, among the things that are happening at the site is that my enjoyment of this one here has led me to consider actually setting up a blog there.  For some of that "viral marketing" crap I talked about earlier.  Also, it allows me to sorta set things up as a bit of a wild outsider who doesn't give a damn -- a rebel and a cowgirl, who takes the bull by the horns in one of the most politically correct places I've ever encountered.

Don't expect a link, lol.  That particular part of my life will remain separate from this one, forever.

Which is where I come to the next part.

I received an email.

Emails don't come often to me under my main account at present. I like that. It gives more weight to them.  My biz account, of course, gets about 300 messages a day, a third junk, another third stuff I don't give a damn about, and the last third mostly stuff that takes about an hour to burn through.

What's more interesting, is that I don't give out this new email account.

And I got an email.

Addressed to me.  Not by error, not by mistake.  I hope to find out how and why at some point, but, in the interim, I should note the email asked a question:

"Hey, trannie, I thought all you trannie bloggers had transition stories.  Boo hoo's and bullshit about mutilating yourselves to make you feel better.  Where the hell are yours, or are you faking it?"

As you can tell, it was from someone who has a deep and abiding love of trannies, whatever the hell they are.

I'm not a trannie. No, really, I'm not.  I'm a transsexual, but I *despise* that word.  I mean, come on -- look at it. It has all the visceral aesthetics of a lump of dirt, and that's insulting lumps of dirt. Its an ugly word -- bad combination of letters, no appeal.  And then there's the whole definition, which is nasty as well, plus the connotations and stigma's associated with it and all that.


I'm just me, and I'm modifying my GUI. Yeah, GUI, lol.  Gender-based User Interface.

But, more to the point, why don't I talk about transition stuff?

Well, that's because this isn't about a thematic presentation of life as a TS.

This is about me.  And transition, while it occupies a very large part of my life, is not all there is to me, nor will it be.  This is about me living my life.  Good, bad, indifferent, there it is.

Mine are here, as well.  I pulled old archived files and moved them around.  They are are here, somewhere.  The heartache ad misery and all that crap.

I could write about how the other day my ex called and we talked like we used to do and she sounded really good and happy and then broke the news that my sons are still a little miffed at me for the timing of my current debacle.  That was little bumming.

I could talk about how I'm still practicing my voice, but that I don't like it at all, and need to start over again and find a new spot for it that isn't as "reaching" if you get what I mean.

And, odds are damned good that when I reach a point of one of those things weighing heavily on my mind, I will.

But, in the meantime, I'm going to keep on keeping on. :D

Catch ya later :D




Update on the current goings on, lol.

Yesterday morning hostess came and visited and suggested that come a few hours from the time I write this, we'll sit down and "talk about my future, and the building blocks of who I am".

Which should prove interesting.  I highly suspect that people don't *quite* get the whole thing about me liking myself. Hopefully, I won't find myself bereft of lodging as a result of what I believe will continue to be attempts at bettering me as a person.


1 - I'm posting this at a quarter to 4 in the morning.  My inet wasn't shut off.  That's a startling change of pace, and a most welcome one. As I endeavor to start my second round of caffeine intake, it will give me the ability to set up the blog, hopefully before they appear to start that whole concept.

2 - THe reason I was able to sit and get so much done yesterday may, indeed, be due to the Rage.  I mentioned that I use it to fuel everything, and suddenly I have energy again.  I just hope that It doesn't ever build up like it used to, and that I'm more able to deal with it.

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