Saturday, March 17, 2007

Thoughts on the background information

Damn that's a stupid title.


Anyway, I'm actually somewhat uncomfortable with all that hand wringing and stream of consciousness crap below, but we'll see if I can manage to keep the guts to keep it up.

It does show that I'm not perfect, that I'm typically aware of my personal flaws, and that yeah, I'm a cold hearted one.

All of that information is old, though.  Those are all the earliest thoughts and things that went through my mind.

All of that was within the first 3 weeks. Since then, I've moved forward with transition at a fairly rapid pace, and I've placed myself in foolishy complex situations that, bluntly, I don't give a damn about anymore.

In the end, it will all be history for me.

Things are actually ok, between Wife and I. She's not happy, mind you, and I'm pretty much ripped apart inside over guilt and all that other good, angsty stuff, and yes, I still cry like a freaking river at the drop of a hat.

But we're muddling through, getting along, and we're still planning things down the road.

My son does talk to me, which is cool. 

There is a coldness there -- a distance that I'll never be able to bridge again.

Doubt -- a theme earlier -- is absent.

I'm actually much happier overall. no, scratch that. Its not happiness, per se.  Happiness is the result of what's changed inside me.

My life is changing as well, and, although I'm still me, I'm affected by the changes and the developments of my life in that time, so I have changed.

If there's an ultimate purpose to this blog, its to function as an outlet for the various things I think about in a given day or span of time.  An exercise in ego and manifestation of my need to self redact constantly.

I probably seem to be fairly messed up given all the drama and such, but, generally speaking, I'm pretty chilled.

One of the things I became aware of is that I could, indeed, manage to have gone on for the next few years without transitioning.  My coping skills are really that strong.

But they would have been hollow years.

And, lastly, they would have been much shorter.

I am dying. Slowly, and in a rather disgusting sort of way. Oddly enough, and in a way that I won't get into, transitioning might actually increase my lifespan by a few years.

It might also shorten it.

EIther way, I would like to see my son continue to grow instead of not do so. A chance is better than none, and so I rolled the dice, and I would be lying if thee wasn't a little bit of glee in doing so, or that the decision was a sort of no brainer.

Perhaps, if I'm lucky, one day he'll be able to read this, and see the why's and wherefore's that I'll never be able to tell him in person.

I am soo glad he's not like me in this one area. And so happy he's otherwise my little clone.

He's had a shitty childhood. He deserved better.

We all do.

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